JoJo xxx

Dearest JoJo,

It's been almost three days since you left us. I should have written this before now - it has taken a little while to get myself together and find the right words so please forgive me. I'm not sure I will ever have the words to do you justice but I will try my best, petal.

I don't know how to feel right now. Perhaps I should feel angry that this evil disease has taken you away from us, but I mostly feel empty, almost numb. This feeling of numbness is punctuated with overwhelming waves of sadness, which bring with them a physical pain. My heart is heavy in my chest and the tears keep creeping in. It still doesn't feel real somehow - it seems impossible that someone so vibrant and present could suddenly just not be here anymore.

I remember when I first joined the forum last year - you just stood out like a bright ginger beacon. Your desire to help others, to offer advice, laughs and support. Your individual style and grace. Your warped and downright weird sense of humour. I think I fell a teeny tiny bit in love with you. I want you to know that you have made the shitstorm of the last ten months bearable, enjoyable - fun in fact. Which sounds so strange as it has been filled with illness and treatment, but that was you. You brought light to the darkest of times. You found humour and fun in everything. In the short time that I knew you, you have made more of an impact on my life than almost anyone else I have ever known. I feel so privileged that I was able to call you a friend, to be able to love you and have you love me back.

The six of us miss you so very, very much. You've left one hell of a ginger-shaped hole, my sweet. Even though we knew how ill you were, we hoped and prayed that somehow you would recover, get better. That your story would have a happy ending. Because to consider the alternative was too heartbreaking, completely inconceivable. We talk about you all the time. We are so, so happy that we got to spend that day with you in London. It was definitely one of the best days of my life. I was almost sick with laughter. And wine. We talk about all the things that we planned to do. Getting barred from all the bars in the Kings Cross area, a tour of the gay clubs in Brighton, wine on the beach, sitting in a hot tub together in a forest. We still going to do them, JoJo. For you. You won't be with us physically, but you will be there in our hearts and our heads. We will never, ever forget you.
 
You never wanted to use the words battle or fight during your illness. You were right. This wasn't a battle to be won or lost. If it was, you would still be here with us. I don't know anyone who was so stubborn or defiant in the face of cancer. You haven't lost, JoJo. Cancer didn't win this one. You will live on in the hearts and minds of everyone who knew and loved you, through your art, your music, your blog and the wonderful memories that you created during your short time on this earth.

Until we meet again, my ginger haired beauty.

I love you xxxx