After a brief foray back in to the ridiculous world of online dating, I felt that I wanted to write a post with a different flavour than my usual ones. It is quite possible I have had the worst luck over the last nine months with internet dating. I seem to be a total pillock magnet (Me? Bitter? Never!). Also, as a woman living with a life threatening disease which has irreversibly altered my body, I get to experience pillocks of the extra special variety.
Oh yes, the right man may come along one day and change my mind - blah, blah -but until then I reserve the right to be completely sceptical abut online dating.
I'm not the only one. The following post has been compiled using not just my own opinions, but those of many other single ladies I've spoken to.
Don't get annoyed, lads. Just a bit of friendly advice. After all, it's all about the bantz, innit? YOLO. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Or something.
Top Ten Tinder No No's (for men)
Including multiple pictures of
your children on your Tinder profile is a massive no-no. You may be proud of
the fact you have managed to pass your genes on to the future generation,
however this is a dating site, not a photo shoot for your family Christmas
2. Men with fish
We're not sure when or how the
current epidemic of men holding fish photos started, but our desire to go out on a
date with you will not be affected in the slightest by your ability to catch something for our
dinner (even though you’ve probably nipped to Tesco and got your mate to take a
photo in front of your garden pond). Give us a good old chippy any day of the
3. Multiple drunk / fancy dress
Let’s face it -anyone who is
anyone likes a good old dress up once in a while. And a beer or two. But if
your entire dating profile consists of you in varying themes of fancy dress
outfits and / or repeated photos of you looking slightly worse for wear, this
doesn't make you look like a 'fun guy'. It makes you look like a bit of a fool
who hasn't quite grown up yet. We're looking for a date, not a babysitting job.
4. Men with cars/bikes
Again, you may be proud of your
machine, but for the majority of women, the
type of car you drive will have no bearing on whether we want to date you or
not. Unless, or course, you are Marty McFly.
5. Photos with loads of mates
Ah, the ‘here is me with twenty
mates’ photo. When deciding whether to swipe right or not, knowing which one of
the llikely lads you actually are helps. We’re after a date, not playing a Spot
the Ball competition.
6.Gym mirror selfies / topless
It’s very laudable that you
work out and how sweet you are to show us your gainz, but the cloud of
testosterone wafting from these photos makes our eyes hurt. Try leaving a
little to the imagination, lads. If we want tickets to the gun show, we’ll ask
7. Photos with women
Whether it’s your sister/best
mate/ mum or auntie’s sister’s boss, photos of you with other women on your
dating profile is a no. We don’t want to be wondering who that woman is you
have your arm draped around before we
go on a date with you. Save that for when we’ve got access to your Facebook
Oh – and you might think that
photos of yourself surrounded by PR models makes you look desirable,
but really, wearing women like accessories in your pictures actually makes you
look like a bit of a creep.
8. Wedding photos
We’re not sure why men include
photos of themselves on their wedding day on their Tinder profile. It smacks of
one of three possible scenarios – 1. You are desperate to show that one day,
once upon a time, someone wanted you. 2. You and your wife are looking for a
third wheel to spice up your sex life or 3. Your mates have put you on Tinder
for a laugh. Whichever one is true, for the majority of women it’s going to
guarantee you a big swipe
9. Quotations / memes
You may think that filling your
profile with photos of inspirational quotes instead of actual photos of yourself will make us believe you is all
deep and shiz innit, but mainly it just makes you look like you have something
And the sexist jokes and
comments about how mean women are because they never go for the ‘nice guy’?
They make us want to stay in and pull our leg hairs out individually with a pair
of tweezers, rather than go on a date with you.
10. No photos
Next time you want to have a
productive conversation with someone, try sitting on the other side of a door
whilst doing it. Don’t think that would work that well? Same goes in an online
situation. If we have no idea who we are talking to, we are not going to feel
comfortable engaging in a conversation with you. It also smacks of someone who
has something to hide – normally or wife or girlfriend. So, unless you actually
look like a white silhouette of Tin Tin or you’re the invisible man, having a
photo on your profile is a definite advantage when trying to get women to speak