Monday, 22 February 2016

Top Ten Tinder 'oh no, he didn'ts'

After a brief foray back in to the ridiculous world of online dating, I felt that I wanted to write a post with a different flavour than my usual ones. It is quite possible I have had the worst luck over the last nine months with internet dating. I seem to be a total pillock magnet (Me? Bitter? Never!). Also, as a woman living with a life threatening disease which has irreversibly altered my body, I get to experience pillocks of the extra special variety.

Oh yes, the right man may come along one day and change my mind - blah, blah -but until then I reserve the right to be completely sceptical abut online dating.

I'm not the only one. The following post has been compiled using not just my own opinions, but those of many other single ladies I've spoken to.

Don't get annoyed, lads. Just a bit of friendly advice. After all, it's all about the bantz, innit? YOLO. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Or something.  

Top Ten Tinder No No's (for men) 

1.    Kids 
Including multiple pictures of your children on your Tinder profile is a massive no-no. You may be proud of the fact you have managed to pass your genes on to the future generation, however this is a dating site, not a photo shoot for your family Christmas card.

2. Men with fish

We're not sure when or how the current epidemic of men holding fish photos started, but our desire to go out on a date with you will not be affected in the slightest by your ability to catch something for our dinner (even though you’ve probably nipped to Tesco and got your mate to take a photo in front of your garden pond). Give us a good old chippy any day of the week. 

3. Multiple drunk / fancy dress photos

Let’s face it -anyone who is anyone likes a good old dress up once in a while. And a beer or two. But if your entire dating profile consists of you in varying themes of fancy dress outfits and / or repeated photos of you looking slightly worse for wear, this doesn't make you look like a 'fun guy'. It makes you look like a bit of a fool who hasn't quite grown up yet. We're looking for a date, not a babysitting job.

4. Men with cars/bikes

Again, you may be proud of your machine, but for the majority of women, the type of car you drive will have no bearing on whether we want to date you or not. Unless, or course, you are Marty McFly. 

5. Photos with loads of mates

Ah, the ‘here is me with twenty mates’ photo. When deciding whether to swipe right or not, knowing which one of the llikely lads you actually are helps. We’re after a date, not playing a Spot the Ball competition. 

6.Gym mirror selfies / topless selfies

It’s very laudable that you work out and how sweet you are to show us your gainz, but the cloud of testosterone wafting from these photos makes our eyes hurt. Try leaving a little to the imagination, lads. If we want tickets to the gun show, we’ll ask for them. 

7. Photos with women

Whether it’s your sister/best mate/ mum or auntie’s sister’s boss, photos of you with other women on your dating profile is a no. We don’t want to be wondering who that woman is you have your arm draped around before we go on a date with you. Save that for when we’ve got access to your Facebook profile.

Oh – and you might think that photos of yourself surrounded by PR models makes you look desirable, but really, wearing women like accessories in your pictures actually makes you look like a bit of a creep. 

8. Wedding photos

We’re not sure why men include photos of themselves on their wedding day on their Tinder profile. It smacks of one of three possible scenarios – 1. You are desperate to show that one day, once upon a time, someone wanted you. 2. You and your wife are looking for a third wheel to spice up your sex life or 3. Your mates have put you on Tinder for a laugh. Whichever one is true, for the majority of women it’s going to guarantee you a big swipe 

9. Quotations / memes

You may think that filling your profile with photos of inspirational quotes instead of actual photos of yourself will make us believe you is all deep and shiz innit, but mainly it just makes you look like you have something to hide.

And the sexist jokes and comments about how mean women are because they never go for the ‘nice guy’? They make us want to stay in and pull our leg hairs out individually with a pair of tweezers, rather than go on a date with you. 

10. No photos

Next time you want to have a productive conversation with someone, try sitting on the other side of a door whilst doing it. Don’t think that would work that well? Same goes in an online situation. If we have no idea who we are talking to, we are not going to feel comfortable engaging in a conversation with you. It also smacks of someone who has something to hide – normally or wife or girlfriend. So, unless you actually look like a white silhouette of Tin Tin or you’re the invisible man, having a photo on your profile is a definite advantage when trying to get women to speak to you.


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