I seem to have hit a low point, a bit of a nadir. I'm hoping that maybe it's just today, that it will pass. That I'll feel better tomorrow. In the meantime, I wanted to write down how I am feeling in the hope that somehow getting my thoughts out of my head and on to paper, as it were, will be cathartic.
My confidence is at an all time low. Everything that once defined who I was seems to have slipped away or changed. My personality, my looks, my interests, my relationships. I don't look like me any more. I try to avoid mirrors because I hate what I see. When I do look, I see a pale, tired representation of my former self. My features seem lost in my face. I look old and exhausted. I find myself shying away from situations that may mean my Before Cancer friends see me without my armour - I don't want them to see what lies underneath the make up and the wigs. A person to feel sorry for, to pity. Someone who is seriously ill. A cancer patient.
I hate my body and what it has become. Where there was once lean toned muscle I now see big arms, fat thighs and a bloated stomach. Where there was once a body that could carry me for miles and miles, complete race after race, a body that I was proud of, I now see one that has let me down, that I no longer trust, that I am frightened of. Where there was a person who could complete half marathons there is someone who struggles to run a mile without stopping to walk. Where there was once a woman who was confident and articulate, there is a person with a tangled, fuzzy brain who struggles to put sentences together. The achievements I have made over the last couple of years seem so long ago, stripped away by the last few months.
I feel like am no longer me. I'm constantly exhausted. I go out and all I can think about is going home and crawling in to bed. I feel boring, useless, pathetic. Why would anyone want to spend time with me when I can't offer them much in return?
I worry that I will never have another relationship again. After all, who would want me? I'm ugly and scarred - damaged goods.
It took me a long time to develop confidence in myself and my abilities, my looks, my self worth and now I feel ike all that has been shattered by this disease. The sense of loss is overwhelming, I've lost my hair, my body as it was, my confidence, my sense of self. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel defined by this disease and it's treatment.
Cancer has stripped me of my identity both internally and externally. All the things that made me who I was are gone. Somewhere along the line I've lost Rebecca and I'm not sure how to find her again.