I had my fifth chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday - my second Docetaxel. So far, physically I'm not too bad - not as bad as last time anyway. My legs and back ache and I have manky tax mouth again but this time I have to say that so far the worst side effects are the mental and emotional ones. Maybe its a build up of everything so far or perhaps due to the fact that I ave been given eight days worth of steroids instead of the usual three this time to try and stave off horrid side effects but at the moment I feel like this:
Everything is pissing me off. I'm irritable at the slightest thing. I almost attacked a woman who was giving me dirty looks in Primark whilst I was stood in the queue having a bit of a moan. I wanted to scream at her 'I've just spent the best part of the day sat in hospital having toxic chemicals pumped in to my body to try and kill a cancer I shouldn't have after spending the night having little sleep due to steroid intake. Oh and tomorrow I have to go and have my blood tested to see if if I'm a genetic mutant and need to have my tits cut off! So shove your dirty looks up your backside!'
I didn't, however. But I very much felt like it.
I have people asking how I am quite often and most of the time I'm not really sure I tell the truth. I think people want to hear that you're OK, being positive, fighting the good fight etc. and believe me most of the time I am trying. But right now, if you were to ask me how I am I would tell you that I'm tired, irritable, fed up, exhausted and want to lie down on the floor and scream and cry my eyes out. I'm tired of having to take so many tablets a day I have to write down what I've taken otherwise I'll forget. I sick of not being me anymore. I can't get used to not being able to do the things I used to. I've tried to do some work to keep my mind occupied but it's like thinking through custard. I can't remember conversations I've had with people and I find it incredibly difficult to concentrate for more than five minutes. I'm fed up of feeling useless and unable to contribute anything of any value to anyone else around me. I'm tired of feeling guilty about everything. About being ill, a burden, not being able to do what I feel is expected of me. I feel exhausted when I think about how much more of this I have to go. Yes, I only have one chemotherapy yet but then I have surgery - possibly several lots of it - radiotherapy, hormone treatment, uncertainty... To be honest I just want to go back to bed and not get up until its all over.
Anyway, I just needed to get that off my (soon to be chopped up) chest. So I'll sign off by saying - ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!
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