A weighty issue

If you read my last couple of blog posts, you'll know that during chemo my weight has crept up and my fitness level has gone down, down, down. I still managed to run quite a bit whilst I was having FEC but Docetaxel put paid to that. The bone pain and muscle aches and general lack of energy meant that running began to be incredibly difficult and on many days just downright impossible. Even getting up the stairs was a bit of a mission. 

Anyway, I've put on more than a stone in weight since chemo started. Granted, I had lost weight by the beginning of treatment due to basically eating bugger all and running A LOT after my diagnosis. The cancer diet - I would not recommmend it! And i definitely do not want to do it again. My puffy steroid face has now retreated and I'm starting to look less like button moon thankfully, however my body is decidedly squdgier than it was. I keep being told that my weight gain isn't noticeable, but I know - most of my clothes don't fit and I'm limited to outfits I've bought in recent months and even those are beginning to get a little tight. My aim is to lose half a stone before surgery at the end of January and to try and get my fitness level up even just slightly - being able to run two miles without having to stop is my aim. 

Some may think this all sounds a bit shallow and that perhaps I have bigger things to worry about like ...um... my right boob trying to kill me, but the weight gain and loss of fitness are both things contributing to the fact that I no longer look and feel like me anymore. thast and the fact my head and face are hairless! I want to try and claw back some of the things that cancer and it's treatment have taken from me over the last few months and I'm already feeling a slightly better mentally knowing that I'm taking control over some areas of my life.

I started Weightwatchers yesterday. You can either use a daily allowance of points or you can have days when you eat as much as you want of certain foods as long as they are on a given list. Which is great for piglets like me. I also went out for a run today. Only a mile and a quarter but I'm going to try and go every day and try and build my fitness back up. I know its going to be very hard and I am nowhere near at the level I once was but at least I am taking steps to try and get there. I will keep you posted on my progress - watch this space as they say!

A bit of a shite year

As it's New Year's Eve eve, I thought i would reflect a bit on the past year. I've just got out of bed. I've spent the majority of the Christmas break in bed, suffering from tax aches and pains but mostly from awful fatigue. I don't seem to have to do much at all to need to have two hour naps to recover. I'm quite useless and not good at much at the moment, but my ability to sleep is unparallelled. I've put on a stone in weight since my treatment began, partly due to steroids and other drugs, but mostly because I've not been able to exercise anywhere near as much as I was before my treatment started. I tried to run as much as I could during FEC, but once Docetaxel started it walloped me. Now I can only manage one to two mile runs, which then leave me needed to sleep for two hours and aching like I've been inside a washing machine.

Anyway, as the title of this post suggests, this year has been a bit of an arse. I split up with my long term boyfriend, my grandmother died and then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Triple arse. It's hard to believe that my diagnosis was over five months ago. It seems such a long time ago, but at the same time only yesterday. I've almost forgotten what life was like BC (Before Cancer). I've been picked up and swept along on the cancer tsunami and have now been deposited on the beach picking over the remnants of my life. But although a large part of my treatment is over, there is still a long way to go. I've just been allowed a little respite before the second wave comes to give me a bashing. 

So much has happened in the last five months, it's difficult to quantify it all. But I will try. Here it is:

3 biopsies
3 mammograms
4 ultrasounds 
15 blood tests
1 clip fitting
2 radioactive injections
1 general anaesthetic
1 surgery
2 head shaves
Multiple wig fittings
1 bone scan
6 toxic infusions
7 oncologist appointments
3 surgeon appointments
1 genetic testing appointment
3 late night visits to A and E
1 overnight stay in hospital
8 cannulas
7 lots of test / scan results
1 chest x-ray
3 MRSA swabs
1 arm ultrasound
6 lots of steroids and anti sickness treatments
21 lots of injecting myself
A truck load of other meds
1 flu jab
Several sore and collapsed veins
1 large seroma
1 lot of painful under arm cording 

Plus lots of sleepless nights, bad dreams and tears. There's no wonder I'm knackered all the time! But I don't want to finish this post leaving you thinking its been all bad, because it hasn't. Amongst the tears and bad dreams, there has surprisingly been a lot of laughter too. I've reconnected with old friends and made some brilliant new ones through the Younger Breast Cancer Network. In fact, I'm spending tomorrow night with some of them and I can't think of a more fitting end to this year. I know we'll all be putting a massive two fingers up to the back of 2014!

Hair is another update...

As I've started these beauties again in anticipation of my last chemo tomorrow (please, please let my bloods be ok!) sleep is unlikely to be forthcoming tonight. So I've decided to do a bit of a hair update for those who may be interested! So far I've had three FEC and two Docetaxel. So here is the hair situation as of this evening. Be prepared for various photos of my body parts readers. Sadly (or luckily, possibly) no rude ones though.

Here is the top of my head:

Fake tan ahoy!

Here is the side of my head:

And here is the back of my head:

 

Yes, it is quite hard to take a photo of the back of your own head I have discovered!

And here is the top of my head about a month ago compared with the top of my head now:

'Scuse the flat bit at the back! I think I may have been dropped on my head as a child. It would explain a lot.

Here is my left eye and eyebrow:

 Here is my right eye and eyebrow:

  
Look at the darkness round my eyes!! I look like I've been punched. And I have really. By chemo.

Here is my right eye about a month ago compared to my right eye now:

 Meh. 

By the way - I'm not jaundiced right now. I put some fake tan on a little while ago and just waiting until I can wash the guide colour off....

Here is my leg:

Smooth! I have no stubble! The last time I shaved my legs was a week on Saturday.

So, this completes the gallery of hairless (or hairy) body parts. In a nutshell, my head hair is growing but my eyelashes and eyebrows have fallen out since I started Tax, and my leg hair is now none existent. I won't go in to detail about other areas, but lets just say I'm not reaching for the Ladyshave just yet!!

Run, cancer, run!

This is just a quick post about running. Or lack of it.

One of the hardest things I am having to get used to at the moment is not being physically as strong as I was before I started chemotherapy. Nowhere near. I've gone from half marathon runner to being unable to run half a mile without having to stop to catch my breath.

I managed to keep up the running whilst on FEC to a degree - still not as fast or as far as before but stil managing around four and half miles (wihtout stopping hurrah!). I made a couple of appearances at my running club and even ran a 5k race four days after my second chemotherapy treatment.

But Docetaxel is something else. It has zapped any energy from my body. The side effects I had from my first treatment rendered me bedridden for over a week and unable to walk properly, never mind run. This time round I have nowhere near that amount of pain so I braved a couple of runs this week. I did two and half miles on Thurday and two miles today.  As I said, I have to stop to take a breather after half a mile, my legs are like lead, my lungs feel like they are full of cotton wool and my heart doth protest a tad too much.

However, I am going to keep trying. I will force myself to get out of the house and go for that run even if I feel ike all I want to do is stay under the bed covers and sleep until new year. Because cancer has taken so much from me already and I refuse to let it take anymore without a fight. So - jog on cancer!!

Hair today....

This is another post about hair loss - prompted by the fact my eyelashes have started to join my eyebrows at whatever holiday destination they've toddled off too. Yes, my eyelashes have booked it, packed it and f*cked off. My lovely long eyelashes have started to fall out, leaving behind short stubby things that no amount of mascara can enhance. I'm also going to illustrate this post with some photos of the hair loss, so readers as I'm sure you'll be glad to hear, there will be little less of me prattling on and more pretty (ahem) pictures instead.

I've also chosen this post to 'come out' with my baldness. Yes - I am going to post the first photo of me sans hair that I have posted outside of breast cancer forums. This is quite a big thing for me - I never go out without wearing a wig and only very privileged people (or not as the case may be) have seen me in the flesh in all my bald head glory. However, I wanted to go public with my baldness in solidarity with other chemo girls so here it goes:

 

And here is me without the make up:

 Ah the magic of the war paint eh??

I'm now three FEC chemo sessions and one Docetaxel session down. My head hair started falling out just before my second FEC, my eyebrows became very sparse about three weeks or so ago and now my eyelashes have started to do a runner. Oh, and the inside of my nose is also now hair free. Cue perpetual sniffing and carrying tissues around with me like an old woman  - although, may I add - I do not keep these up my sleeve. Not yet anyway....

Another example of the sorcery that is makeup is how well it can hide very patchy and sparse eyebrows:

This eyebrow is brought to you courtesy of Benefit Browzings. It's an eyebrow kit made up of a gel and powder and comes in three different colours. Many of the chemo girls I know find this product incredibly useful once the toxic drugs start to rob them of their eyebrows. It's also good for non-chemo girls (and boys) too I would imagine.

One situation that the warpaint is not so magic in, as I mentioned before, is enhancing the spindly spiders legs that are currently masquerading as my eyelashes. Evidence below:

Oh dear. Up close the top photo doesn't look too bad I agree. However, when you see the full picture e.g. the rest of my face, the eyelash population is quite pathetic. You can see a few of the stranglers from my former eyelash glory that are hanging on quite heroically, determined not to succumb to the chemotherapy toxins.

However, because even the world's greatest mascara can't disguise these stumpy beauties, I have invested in multiple packets of these:

Luckily Boots currently have a three for two on, so I get to stock up on eyelashes and Advantage points. Every cloud and all that.

I'm also currently creating my breast cancer birthday and chemo Christmas list. I've had a few recommendation of serums that can help to stimulate eyelash growth and hopefully bring my eyes back to their former hairiness. These include RapidLash Eyelash Enhancing Serum and Lipocils Eyelash Serum. I've also heard that Fast shampoo and conditioner may also be good for helping me look less like a potato and more like a peach. So Santa baby, if you're reading this - I've been very, very good this year (well, kind of...).

A little bit Taxing

Last Tuesday I was due to have the first session of new chemo drugs - namely Docetaxel - or Tax as it's affectionately known. However, my blood test (I am sooo over needles right now) showed that my neutrophils were too low to have chemotherapy that week.

Neutrophils are a type of white blood cell and basically the levels in my blood hadn't recovered from the last cocktail of toxic drugs that had been blasted in to my body. If I had chemotherapy when the levels were so low and my body hasn't recovered, it could leave me extremely ill. So my chemotherapy sessions have all been put back by a week to give my body chance to recover from last time. No chemo last Tuesday. I never thought I'd be upset about not having another toxic cocktail pumped in to my veins but I was. Very. Not only does it mean that any plans I've made are all out of whack now - I have to plan any social and work activities around when I'm likely to feel ok and not be at risk of infection - it felt like a massive set back. Even though in the grand scheme of things, a weeks delay to one chemo session hardly seems like a big deal, it felt like one. My mood had been slipping since around the previous Thursday and I found Tuesday's set back incredibly difficult to deal with. I responded to the impending darkness by writing a blog post about the emotional effects of chemotherapy and cancer - something that is quite often skirted over and misunderstood. However, I'll save this one for another time - be warned - its not very cheerful reading..

Anyway, after a week of frenzied juicing of all things nutritious to try and get my white blood cell level back up, I went back to the hospital today with the hope of being able to be pumped full of toxic drugs. And yes hurrah - bloods all fine - give me those chemicals!! This time round I'd had to start an increased dose of steroids yesterday, continuing for three days. The main function of which is to try and avert any allergic reaction to the Tax. However, an undesirable affect of the steroids was total lack of sleep last night, resulting in a very tired me today.

I didn't have to see the oncologist this morning as I saw him last week - however I was disappointed about this when I realised it was the cute registrar on duty who reminds me a bit of Moss from the IT Crowd. Damn it.

As a result of not having to see the onc this morning, we were welcomed on to the chemo ward earlier than usual. I had the lovely Relentlessly Cheerful Chemo Nurse today as well, who has taken to calling me Bec (I love this woman.)

The oncologist last week gave the go ahead for my other arm to be used to administer the chemotherapy in to this week, to give my poor sore, collapsed veins in my other hand a rest. One of them has packed it's bags and is hiding nervously from impending cannulas as far under my skin as it can get.

Relentlessly Cheerful Chemo Nurse sat with me for ten minutes at the beginning of the administration of the Tax just in case my body decided to reject it and my tongue swelled up. Or something. Anyway all was fine and mercifully it only took an hour for the bag of loveliness (or not) to work its way in to my veins. A refreshing change from FEC, which took more than two hours and left me with pink wee.

One Tax down - two more to go!

So far Tax has left me feeling a little less poisoned than FEC normally does the evening of the dose. However, apparently with Tax, side effects can kick in 3-4 days after administration. These can include muscle and bone pain, more hair loss, sore nails and an icky mouth. I'll look forward to that then..

Because my white blood cell levels were so low last time, I'm now going to be given a round of granulocyte colony stimulating factor (or GCSF) injections during each cycle. These will basically simulate my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells, bringing with them more possible bone pain. Delightful. And the best part is that I have to administer these to myself - injecting them in to my stomach. Yes - this will be my breakfast for the next seven days.

But all is not lost - I get a sexy little travel bag including a little sharps bin and thermometer to go with them!

Right, enough of the Taxing talk for today. I'm now off to do some more steroid induced frantic house cleaning or juicing...or something. Anything other than sleep most likely!